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What my mama told me about grief

  • Posted by: claire

 

During a reading last week, I received a message from my mother. She is HAPPY. In the dream, she was welcoming new spirits who recently crossed over. Even she said it was ironic, considering how she faired as my mother on Earth. She was so different than when I physically experienced her. Light, without pain, free, buoyant and filled with LOVE. Overflowing love. In our last conversation before her suicide, I felt a glimpse of this possibility for her.

The morning my brother called to tell me she ended her life, my knees buckled and collapsed like you see in the movies. I was pregnant with my daughter, who would never meet her grandma. There were many things I wanted to tell her. I cried oceans of tears. I was overcome with grief, and scared to express it fully, fearing I would miscarry. For a time, self-judgements followed me everywhere. Why did I not see the warning signs? Deep down inside, I knew. I saw her taking flight from her pain the only way she knew how. The ones she left behind now have a choice in how to wear this cloak of grief. That hit me like a brick. Bam! I had a choice in HOW I could move through my grief. My soul searched, for a way to express there is ANOTHER option, to grief without the suffering. My mother lived a life of pain and suffering in her 76 years. She was an undiagnosed bi-polar who sought refuge in prescription drugs to fight her demons. She felt misunderstood in her pain. She heard voices in her head.

She felt shamed in being “different”.

Last week, my mother reminded me to share with you all that your loved ones are healed. They are healed from any physical illnesses, emotional heartaches, pain, suffering. Where they are, there is an endless supply of love. And my mother has healed.

Our loved ones wants you to know this. They want you to know that they want you find your own way to feeling peace and joy again. They are cheering you on. A way you can honor their death is going forward to live your best life possible.

In fully expressing our pain, a healing journey begins.

ibelieve

Yes, I really missed her last week, and by expressing my thoughts with people who knew and loved me, it helped me move through my own moment of grief.

No one is immune to grief, but there are tools to move through it.

Even when we are feeling snarky. I felt beside myself and nearly bit my honey’s head off when he asked how my day was after he got home from work. Displaced feelings of sadness came out as anger. I noticed right after the fact and was able to course correct.

Below are some bits and bobs of what’s helped me this past week.

SURRENDER. As much as we prepare for any sort of loss, whether it is a breakup we knew was going to happen, a death after a long battle with cancer, etc. We are never fully prepared for the range of emotions that may come. We can be sad one moment, and then mad. Caring, not caring. A memory triggering a flood of tears, then giggles at the thought of another. This is grief. It ebbs and flow.  So here’s the word of the day. SURRENDER.  Just accept the multitude of whatever you may be going through.

 

RECEIVE vs. REACT.There are going to be times when you will want to tell someone to go to that place where the sun don’t shine. I remember when I was going through chemotherapy, everyone had advice for something, things I should eat, not eat, meditate, find my higher power, even down to the kind of wig that would look good on me. When we are grieving, it is the same. People mean well, especially if they’ve been through something similar. What helped me is to take a deep breath, try to receive the good gestures and let it out the other ear. Remember that our emotions are on hyper alert when we are grieving.

LOVE. Remember that under any good gesture gone awry is LOVE. Try an operate from that place where loving resides. Coat everything around you in a veil of love. If you aren’t up for company, turn off your phone and be selective. The day after my mom was in my dream, I was feeling extra vulnerable. I posted a few times on FB but did not take any calls. I was feeling sensitive AND witchy. I realized my witchy side was not up for company.

BE ACCEPTING WITH ALL OF YOU. Even if you are feeling witchy. Be vulnerable. Don’t defend or try and make it anything else. I apologized to my honey right away. He got it was a hard day for me. It wasn’t  my proudest moment, but I was glad I could just be myself with him.

So, wherever you may be in your world today, I am sending some love your way.  If you are wrestling with some swirls, I’d love to hold a space and support you through it to more peace, more joy, more love.

joinmegraphic below and share what helps you bounce back when your mind is swirling with emotions.  If this post speaks to your heart and you are saying “she gets me!”, simply pick up the phone and call me at 310-314-9837 to schedule a time for us to connect. A complimentary “she gets me” 30 minutes, love offering from my heart to you.

Xoxo
Claire

Author: claire

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12 Comments

  • Claire, what a beautiful message from your mama through you – and an equally beautiful one from you to us with these tools that serve not only when we’re grieving but anytime we’re simply living life with all of its joys and challenges!

  • Pinning this to my brand new emotional IQ Pinterest board. This is much needed insight for me today as I wade through my “swirls.” God bless.

  • Beautiful, Claire, thank you.

    I received an email yesterday morning that a friend’s mother had passed after a long illness. About 4 months ago, one of my best friends also lost her mom.

    Each time, it brings up everything that I felt when my father passed nearly 5 years ago. Even now, this time of year, as the anniversary of his death in June approaches, a part of me relives the exhaustion, the devastation, the sheer enormity of it all.

    I couldn’t agree with you more: allow all of it, let it be. It always transmutes and transforms.

    Many blessings,
    Phyllis

    • Claire

      It does, as we lean into it. My heart is with you as you get closer to his anniversary in June. Perhaps this year, setting an intention of holding it differently may allow for less exhaustion and more honoring. I am going to try that myself the 25th of next month when my mom’s anniversary comes around. It’s 5 days after my birthday.

      many blessings back, and please, please reach out if I can be of support in any way to you, to your bestie. xo claire

  • That was a very moving post. Great message.

  • Claire, loved this message. My mother died very suddenly last year and as I come up on her anniversary, I still can’t believe she isn’t here with me. I had a similar visitation to yours after she passed, and it brought me a lot of comfort, to realize that part of how i knew her on the earthly plane was tinged in the fear she carried. Such an important post for anyone experiencing loss of a loved one.

    • Claire

      Thank you for visiting. I am sorry about your mom. There is something about losing mothers that is different also. As a mom, I wish my daughter would have gotten a chance to meet her. I loved reading that you had a similar experience, and it brought you comfort. I try to remind myself daily, of this. The goodness of where she is now, and the healing that has taken place for her.

  • Wow, Claire. I got chills reading this. I can only imagine the level of grief you felt and how difficult that must’ve been. I’m so glad you came through the experience wiser and with so much compassion for the pain of others. You’re an angel for the work you do!

    • Claire

      Thank you Christina, I feel so lucky to wake up each morning in doing this work. I feel my mom is with me often, encouraging me to stretch and keep going. And that helps me:)