Last night, I saw a post on FB about walking the Camino. The Camino de Santiago is a 500 mile path that starts over the border of Spain and continues into 4 of Spain’s 15 regions. According to the Catholic tradition, completing this trek forgives one’s sins. Since then, millions of lives have been forever changed by this journey, and various movies and documentaries have been made about this magical trek.
I feel like I’ve been walking my own Camino de Santiago the past six months. Today’s post is about love and loss. And how trekking through my internal mind helped heal decades old patterns for the very last time.
Last Thanksgiving, the love of my life relapsed in his recovery.
I remember the day we fell madly in love.
The day he married, he pledged his sobriety to me.
Our love for each other always had been a constant through the ups and downs. When things came undone, I turned to our love to conquer all.
Except it couldn’t.
My ego said I didn’t like who he had become.
The truth was, I didn’t like the person I was becoming.
I became irritated, frustrated and tried to “fix”.
We fought all the time.
The energy in our home felt dense.
The more I “tried” the more I failed.
There was no way to win this race.
I could point the finger at him.
But really, I realize this was about ME.
I grew up with addiction in my family.
My mother was my qualifier.
I was the youngest.
Taking in her pains, her hurts.
I became the champion fixer, enabler.
My mother’s needs came first, to keep calm in the family.
My bar for chaos raised high.
It comes as no surprise that I would be continually tested.
Until I chose me.
He said he would stop for me.
For us. I said yes. Yes. Yes. Until no.
The biggest gift I could give to him,
To me, To us,
was to come undone,
So we could work on ourselves,
and perhaps have a chance to come together one day down the line.
On Mother’s day, he moved out. I would lie if I said there are days it doesn’t hurt like crazy. Afterall, it is much easier to break up with someone you hate.
But without sounding corny, this saying comes forward. “If you love someone, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it continues to fly, let it soar, and have faith that God has something better in store. ”
Below are six tools that have helped me tremendously these past weeks.
These past 6 weeks has allowed me to get to this place, internally, externally, literally, where life seems to be opening up. And it seems crazy to say, not knowing where I am headed, or what I am supposed to do is EXACTLY where I feel like I am supposed to be at this very moment.
In this seeming crisis, I’ve found inner peace. Instead of blaming, there is love. And each day, there is more clarity, as I allow life to unwrap itself vs. making “it” happen.
My “it” is… me. Taking care of me first.
Please share this post with any souls who are in recovery, their family and loved ones around them. Or anyone struggling with addiction. It is a family disease. We are all affected.
I would love to hear any versions of your own “aha’s” or walkabouts you’ve had below.