This morning, I received an email from our realtor that an offer on our bungalow may be coming very soon. This bit of news both lifted and sank my heart. First, it brought an air of excitement that amidst the economic housing crisis, someone else too felt the love from our little house. Six degrees of Los Angeles was working it’s magic, as I knew the potential buyer. They too, had a young daughter who was close to Kayman’s age. Then, I felt fear. A grip. Where were we going to move to? What will be our next place we call home? Did I make the right decision?
But then, I realize there was more to it than that. When I first bought this home 11 years ago, my life was very different than it was now. I was 32, newly married. We had worked hard to save enough for the down payment. Homeownership was something I was so proud of. It had been instilled in my chinese roots since I was young, the immigrant’s dream. Then September 11th happened. There were layoffs and we were both downsized. My Mother In Law was diagnosed with a brain tumor and we became caregivers. She passed away the following year, and through it all, our marriage did not survive.
I clutched onto the home, buying it back from him, re-decorated to make it mine. 4 months later, the first love of my life, my beloved rescue dog Sophie was diagnosed with cancer and passed away within weeks. Grieving deeply, I gave up a successful graphic design business I had started with a friend. I used the house as venture capital to start a new life by starting Luxepets, creating keepsakes for people and pets.
As I now worked out of my home, I set out to make it a sanctuary, employing the assistance of feng shui experts and energy healers to clear the space.
The house became my 401k, my retirement account as I set to re-build.
In 2009, I found myself completing a second relationship. At this time, I found myself in single motherhood without financial support. I gripped tighter onto the house, multitasking on projects, luxepets all while growing a coaching practice. While the house was my sanctuary, it also became my private demon. It drove all of my financial decisions. There were decisions not to take trips abroad, or be in a friend’s wedding because it did not fall into the practical column. I downsized, simplified and while the numbers worked itself out every month, I found myself in FEAR that there wouldn’t be enough for the next time around.
For 2 years, I have been on this rollercoaster. Then I met Michael and we got married. If any, this was a perfect time for a new start. Instead, this rollercoaster became a point of many discussions late into the night, some very challenging ones.
It occurred to me. I am not the sum of the things I have or own.
If I keep holding onto the house so tightly, I won’t be able to appreciate all of the beauty that is in my life, right now.
So I have been praying, writing, releasing, letting go of what the house means, on a physical, financial and emotional level.
Instead of worrying that kayman, our daughter will be uprooted from her home, I am holding for her a happy adventure of a new place, new room.
Instead of being afraid that we are going to sell and be left with less desirable options for accommodations, I am holding that this experience has been grace filled so far and will continue to be.
Instead of clutching onto what was and all the memories this house once held, where Kayman was born, where there were many celebratory moments, those moments will be in my heart wherever we go next.
Instead of blaming myself on poor decision making, I am choosing that it took great courage to start a new business.
Instead of gripping more tightly when I find myself in fear, I am choosing to lean into the fear and do it anyways.
As a life transitions coach, it is important for me to practice what I preach and share. It is humbling to acknowledge that today, I’ve been down on my knees in prayer asking for self-forgiveness, compassion, and heard a voice to share. Today begins my 32 day practice of letting go and stretching into the next moment, as it comes, and be ok with not knowing what’s next.
PS-Adding to the post now, as we received the offer in between writing this post and now. Interesting how the universe conspires with us. I am leaning, leaning, leaning…..