After a day of shivering under a mass of quilts and comforters yesterday, the symptoms of the flu finally exited my body temple. Since I spent most of the day in bed, it gave me time to ponder things that have been going on this past week, including the response I had to file with Superior Court of California for my hearing next Wednesday. I dragged my tired body out of bed to begin writing. In this document, I had to refute inflammatory accusations and opinions with factual data and evidence. My challenge was, how to do it without being triggered by what was said. When my own lawyer said unbelievable, part of me felt acknowledged for my pain and at the same time, where do I go with this?
In the past, the old me, the wounded little girl within, would have gone back to that place of “How is this possible? Doesn’t he recognize that once upon a time, there was love. Out of that love, we conceived a child. I’ve already made so many concessions. When will it be enough? Why is he so angry?”
I recognize beneath the anger, there is hurt, and beneath the hurt, is the desire to be heard and understood. And with that, it must take a lot of energy to stay angry at someone for so long.
There is a saying that goes something like, being angry at someone is letting them have free rent in your head. While all of my bearings were not altogether forming a straight line from the flu, I am grateful for having the tools to work through my emotions. I am proud of how far I have come. I responded from a place of equanimity rather than defending, complaining or fear. I practiced self-forgiveness and applied compassion to all of the places that hurt within. I meditated. I sent light and prayers ahead, even to him.
There is also another saying that goes something like, love conquers all. In this case, as backwards as it may seem, it is actually working. It takes two people to go to war with one another. I try my best to not engage in the drama and focus on the good in my life. A year ago, if you would have asked my what my life would be like today, I would have never guessed. Today, I am married to a man who loves and supports me as never before, who loves special k like his own. I have a sister in law who is like the sister I never had, a mother in law like the mother I always wanted. Kayman, a grandma she’s never had. For the first time ever, I feel like I have a family to call my own.
The same with the ongoing unfoldment of the sale of Marco Place. The jury is still out as we wait on round 3 of the counter offer. Instead of judging past decisions made, I let go and let the broker perform his magic. And so on day 7, I continue to surrender, and practice leaning into what is, and what is to come, and trust and forgive.