Why I am not sugarcoating my loss

Warning: This week’s post is intensely personal, and my perspective may not resonate with everyone. This is just a humble perspective of loss from a party of one. 

On 2/11/14, I had a miscarriage. For 6-7 brief weeks, he appeared, but suddenly he was gone. I even named him, spirit baby Michael.

For 2 weeks, I allowed myself to feel pain, anger, shame, denial, and unworthiness. I admitted to myself I wanted this so badly. I stopped getting mad at myself for allowing myself to get excited so soon. I questioned, then stopped questioning, wondering what I could have done differently. In my grief, one night, I even projected my pain onto my husband, because he said having another child would not be his first choice, then finally, I took responsibility for projecting my loss. Past losses came up again for healing “Hadn’t I been through enough already?—stage 4 cancer, my mother’s suicide, divorce, infertility , etc” until one morning I woke up to begin counting my blessings and gratitude instead of re-writing all of those stories. I stopped thinking I wasn’t good enough, worthy enough for this spirit baby to stay.

This week, I was reminded that:

Everything is energy.
What we focus on amplifies.

Energy doesn’t discern whether a loss is big or small.
It just knows it’s moving or it’s stuck.

There are 2 ways I could heal my loss.
I could continue to stay in my grief and give more to that stuck energy.
I could even build stories around my loss, an armor to protect my heart.
This is the way of the warrior.

THE WARRIOR.
Telling myself I’ve got to control it, manage it. Keep trying, going, going, don’t stop. Get the sword out to fight, (especially in the case of wanting to be pregnant) with no idea when and if I will get there (success) or how it is going to end.

This was the old me around secondary infertility. I would have continued to go through my to-do list, meditate, run energy, eat super healthy, exercise 3-4 times a day, etc. Do whatever it takes to “manifest” or “will” baby Michael to make another appearance. This way is exhausting.

And at what cost?

There is another way. A softer way.
Whatever your loss is, find your way to accept things as they are.

Miscarriage isn’t a good or bad
Death isn’t a good or bad
Divorce isn’t a good or bad
Cancer isn’t a good or bad
A breakup isn’t a good or bad
It just IS.

Instead of grasping at negative messages, learn to let negative emotions go. Neutralize self-judgments or negative thoughts. Stop sugarcoating loss with well meaning myths like “It’s God’s will” “Be strong”, or “Stay busy”. Put away the guilt, the “would haves” “should haves”. A loss is a loss is a loss. One loss isn’t more important than any other.

You are not less or more of a person because of any loss that’s happened. 

You are wise, capable and a good person. Period. 

No sugarcoating the past few weeks. I had a miscarriage. In the darkest moments, there was pain, darkness, suffering.  I am far from perfect. I’ve been down the slippery slope of depressed and back.

The softer way. I remind myself all the “doing” is  just an illusion of me trying to be in control. A month away from my 46th birthday, I accept pregnancy may never happen for me again, ever. Or it may. Either way, it doesn’t change who I am. I am no longer attached to the outcome in a way that can be paralyzing. I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t be over the moon in calling in a sibling for Kayman. In present time, I am accepting of what is.
What’s true today. I love being a mother (to both my 2 legged and the 4 legged “kids”)  I am going to focus that goodness here right now versus the suffering.  I am so so profoundly grateful for these learnings (and I continue to learn and uncover more gems each day), and ways to work through the ebbs and flow of loss. I am no different or more special than anyone else because of what happened.

Through these personal experiences, I’ve learned some new tools to transform loss. I’m grateful to be on other side of more possibilities, and am here to support you or anyone you know that is going through a rough patch.   I am grateful for my coach and my community being a “container” for my loss. I took some time off to grief, knowing that in order to be there for others, I had to replenish first. It feels good to feel grounded, and back in my body. If you are grieving, this is my wish for you too.

I’d love to hear from you! Leave me a love note below  what helped you the last time you found yourself navigating loss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16 Comment

  1. Claire, thank you for your willingness to share this. I wish I knew what to say, other than I love you. And I’m sorry. Through it all, you still amaze me as you stay so connected to your Source. So thank you for this.

    1. Sabrina! Thank you for your love. I can feel it, and bring myself back to that happy dinner we had with Lana and my excitement about possibility without any regret. I do feel like no matter what, spirit is guiding and me and continues to be my source.

  2. I’m sending lots of hugs and love your way. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It’s not an easy thing to go through. This post is very inspirational though, the way you are viewing your struggle will be very helpful to others. So I am going to share this. Thank you for being so open.

    1. Thank you Krystal for reading and sharing, especially if your audience includes women going through baby loss of any sort. I want them to know there is another way to move through the darkness, a softer way.

  3. Claire, I am so deeply sorry for your loss and send you so much love today and always. You’ve shared this so beautifully, and as loss comes in many forms, I appreciate you sharing your story and wisdom, so we can all learn and understand and embrace, as you said, what simply is just *is*. Much love. xo

    1. Thanks Desiree, one of the things people do sometimes is compare losses. But at the end of the day, it just IS. Loss is loss is loss. I’ve had such an amazing journey with my spirit baby these past weeks and still feel him with me at times. We are all connected, though sometimes not in human physical form as we intend. xo

  4. You are a beautiful soul to share your journey here and I send you love. I have found that the ability to accept ‘what is’ without attaching judgement is greatly healing. It is indeed the softer way and I am glad you have found it. When I naviagte loss I aim for love, self love, to love my life again, to see the good in it, to return ‘home’ to peace.

    1. Dear Ferris, I love that, aiming for love in loss, and using that to navigate us back home. Well said!

  5. Claire- I am so sorry for your loss. I know there is little about griefs journey that I could share that you don’t already know. Thank you for being a light to those that need it and sharing your path so honestly.
    xox, Tova

    1. Dear Tova, thank you for your love and continuing to support those with the work you do also. xoxo

  6. Claire,

    I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. It seems you have come to a place of peace within you. Thank you for sharing your touching journey. Giving you a big energy hug!

    1. Thank you Patti. I am in a good place. I feel like alot has come up for healing, and part of that speaks to all of the hidden losses within each one of us.

  7. Thinking of you Claire.

    Monisha

    1. Thank you for the love Monisha. <3

  8. At some point during the end of my fertility journey, I realized that the path before me was so full and dynamic. And that it didn’t include having our own biological children which had been a path of sadness and despair with a smattering of hope and promise. I wanted to be happy again. I chose for me, for my self preservation, to live in the present moment instead of focusing all of my attention to an unknown point somewhere in the future. Every time I have chosen myself in a hard situation, there has been a great reward. That does’t mean that there has not been loss but in this instance I found my life’s work. That choice has made all the difference. xoxo

    1. I love that your life’s work is about being in the present moment and helping others through it. <3

Leave a Reply