Remember that story about the oxygen mask and how important it is to make sure you have enough oxygen first before you can help others? It is the same when we are experiencing a challenging situation in life. When we are going through a challenging time, we often look to ourselves to pull us out of the funk we are in. What if we don’t have all of the resources to breathe to get to that mask? Then perhaps it is time ask for help. Ask yourself, who are you cheering on throughout your day when you are full of zip? When you are down, who’s there to cheer you on? Asking for help is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Often, we don’t create a team of support until we find ourselves down that rabbit hole. Today’s vlog talks about strategies on helping you create your own support team during a challenging time. Perhaps you can do that BEFORE stressful times occur:) Sign up for our newsletter if you would like to receive more tips on helping you return to happy.

I was going to do a post mother’s day blog dedicated to my mother. Then this morning, during meditation, a different way to honor her appeared.

Imagine thought bubbles appearing above the heads of two women sharing about their mother’s day experience.

First women: (With arms up in delight) My day was full of unexpected love and surprises!

Second women: (With steam rising from her head) Where was my breakfast in bed? My husband was supposed to take the wee ones out so I could rest but as usual, he failed. What a day!  I ended up making dinner again, because he can’t cook to save his life…same every year. Do I have to spell everything out? 

WHAT if I told you both descriptions could have been from the SAME person, but different perspectives. Consider this scenario: It’s Mother’s Day and she rises from her bed an hour later than usual to noise in the kitchen. When she walked into the kitchen, it was a mess and her little ones were making breakfast. There was juice spilled, dogs running around and something burning on the stove. (She could have gotten upset at the mess or pretended she didn’t see and crawled back for another snooze) Her husband was nowhere to be found. (It turns out he was in the garage, wrapping her present). After breakfast, he asked what she wanted to do on her special day, and she said “I don’t know”. (She could have spoken up if she wanted time for herself) They ended up all going down for a walk to the park with the dogs.  See how this day could have on differently, depending on whose point of view it was? 

Big love to my mom in her spirit world and bless her soul, but unfortunately, her upbringing had her cup more half empty than full. She did her best, until one day and she fell into the darkness and was not able to pull herself out. I wish I had the tools then that I knew now to help her. So here I am tonight, to pay it forward in my own way:)

There’s a saying there are 2 sides to every story…could it be your suffering side have more to say sometimes? Here are some easy ways to return to happy.

Remember the last time someone did something that unnerved you. It struck a chord and you picked up the phone to call a friend and repeated the story. You talk with someone else about it later on the same day, replaying the incident to make some sense, or to gain some perspective on the situation, to make sure you were part of any wrongdoing.  By the time you get to bed that night, you have been consumed with the story and am exhausted.

Here are 5 reasons to stop suffering and return to happy:

1. It eats up your day—every time we re-play that scene in our head, re-tell it to another person, tell ourselves how unfair it is, we’ve let it consume our time when we could be doing something more positive with our day.
2. We end up taking it personally—when we begin to dissect what happened, the interpretation of being “wronged” begins to take shape. We tell ourselves not to take it personally, but do. We end up deeper in our story, feeling hurt, and the loss.
3. Holding a grudge keeps makes us exhausted at the end of the day, depleting our body of energy that we could have spent in more peace, more joy.
4. A story begins to take shape, as we give our power over to the person, situation or event that is hurting us. We forfeit taking any responsibility and give control to that person or situation. It’s her fault, if she wasn’t this way, I would be different. Our relationship would be better. It’s so unfair. We REACT vs. being in control.
5. We end up believing that suffering story—and that good things happen to others, not us.

Five ways to return to happy:

1. Think your way back to happy. Send the person that is triggering you loving, kind thoughts everyday, in small doses, even if you are not able to forgive them yet. 
2. When they make a comment about you, try and not take it personally.  
3. Replay your trigger story with another point of view, where you see it from a positive point of view.
4. Think about what life would be like if you did not let that person, place or thing control you.
5. How would your life be different?

If you enjoyed reading this post, sign up on our site in the upper right corner to receive more nourishment delivered weekly to your in box. And hug your mom, or your daughter, or a loved one. 

We’ve been missing Casey lately. It’s been almost 9 months since she passed away. We spent a lot of time preparing Kayman, our four year old for the transition. We spent time reading books, talking, having her take part in the caring of Casey towards the end. When we gave Casey her Sub Q injections, we explained how it helped flush out her kidneys and how hers were no longer working. The last day before the vet visit, we set time aside for a family good-bye, complete with walks, talks, and hugs for her other four legged “sister” Lulu.  We talked about death in simple terms. We did not skirt around the topic. There was no talk of the dog “going away” or “going to the farm”. 

A Final Walk With Casey

Kayman and Casey Saying Goodbye

Since then, we’ve drawn pictures of the family, now with Casey up in the clouds looking down from rainbow bridge.

Family Chalk Album with Casey in the skies looking down

We have also been telling stories about Casey. Our memories of her, favorite things she liked to do, treats, etc. This has been a very healthy way for her to process her feelings and emotions. It is also a great way to reinforce the physicality of death, what it means for humans and animals. Even as Kayman misses Casey on certain days, she realizes that Casey will remain in our hearts. 

If you find yourself having to tell a wee one about a loved one or a pet who is transitioning, honesty and simple words go along way. This morning, we talked about Casey as she got ready for school. Here’s what she had to share, even in missing, we have LOVE.  Please feel free to share with parents who might have to tell their wee ones about loss, or sign up for our newsletter for more insights delivered to your inbox. 

This being human is a guesthouse.  Every morning  new arrival. ~Rumi

 - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Complaining about anything, holds you in the place of refusing to receive the things you’ve been asking for. Justifying about anything holds you in the place of refusing to let in the very things that you’ve been asking for. Blaming someone, holds you in the place of refusing to let in the things that you’ve been asking for. Feeling guilty, feeling angry, it doesn’t matter what you call it, it is a refusal, not a conscious one. You’re asking; you can’t help but ask. The Universe is yielding; it must yield. It’s a big question, folks: why aren’t you letting it in? Abraham

For some, it is easier to give than receive, especially in encounters of the heart. Giving is action oriented. We feel useful, needed and appreciated in the forward motion of giving.

Can you see that giving and receiving is really the same thing? When you find yourself at a crossroads, it can feel daunting to reach out. Yet, the simple act of sharing and talking with another helps in the healing process. It is often at this time that we can benefit most from the company of others, especially if we feel stuck in our own process.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

♥ Today’s inspired action:

Reach out and touch someone today. Via the phone, an invitation for tea, a walk, a hug.

Open your heart to receive loving words reflected back to you.

Allow your voice and feelings to be heard.

Accept the answers that are coming forward.

In the spirit of continuing yesterday’s blog, today is about opening your heart and sharing about any life changes you may be experiencing. 

Sharing about missing my mother last night helps me keep my heart open to witness the changes in my own life. It inspires me to reach into my toolbox I share with clients. I meditated, journaled, and free form wrote this morning to help move the sadness through. 

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery ♥

Our heart is a gateway to love, a container where past hurts are stored.  It is from this place we find unconditional love, compassion and kindness. Sometimes when we find ourselves experiencing change that feels out of our control, the heart reacts protectively. It can appear as a tight feeling in our chest. We find ourselves feeling powerless, wanting answers, asking “why me?” and “now what?”   We turn our attention to what we don’t have.  We ask, what have we done to deserve this?

 If you find yourself in uncertain times where your mind is swimming with thoughts, know that you have choice. While you may not be able to choose how much money is in your bank account, whether you are single by choice, divorced, or out of work, you can choose your state of mind.

Focusing on love as we face changes versus fear is a choice.

Choosing love consciously allows us to focus on our blessings vs. our shortcomings.

Here are some inspired actions for today:

♥ Today’s inspired action:

-Reach out to 3 people in your life that you love and share how much you care with them

-Write down 3 things you love that money can’t buy

-Do one thing that makes your heart sing

If you like what you are reading, subscribe to our newsletter to receive more tips on tranforming change. 

Dear mom,

Today is the anniversary of your transition. It’s been 5 years since your transition. I look back at the day to this day and how much I have grown. Tonight, I celebrate you. I often tell my clients even in our darkest hours, there is a light. I have been thinking about you all day. I think about your strength, your love, your resilience.
I think about where I am now. I think about picking up the phone still and wishing I could share the moments about your granddaughter. And then I remind myself how I can, not in the way I would like to. I think about how the literal would bring me so much more comfort, to hear your voice and feel your touch. And then I am able to separate myself from my wants and desires from my reality. I realize the gift you have brought me in the past five years, and how your light lives on in my every day that I am able to share my gift with others. Tonight, after checking in with dad how we feel your presence, I send you my love. And as I light a candle for you tomorrow, that flame burns deeply within me. And I am grateful. I am reminded of love that reaches across time and space, in the work that I do, and that brings me comfort. In knowing as the rain is coming down in sheets tonight, your love also pours into me, in the work that I do, in the souls that I reach, in a reminder that the sadness I feel tonight shall pass in the morning as the sun rises. And this too, is a part of the ongoing, integrated, grieving process that we all go through. Thank you for continuing to inspire me in the work that I do. I love you.

What I know for sure is that no matter where you stand right now. on a hilltop, in a gutter, at a crossroads, in a rut — you need to give yourself the best you have to offer in this moment. This is it. Rather than depleting yourself with… judgments about what you haven’t done, who you could have become, why you haven’t moved faster, or what you should have changed, redirect that energy toward the next big push-the one that takes you from enough to better. The one that takes you from adequate to extraordinary. The one that helps you rise up from a low moment and reach for your personal best.” –Oprah

We all have those mornings. The one where we hit the snooze button a few times, wishing we could crawl under the covers and start the day over. 

What do you do when you find yourself in a rut? I love that quote from Oprah…instead of beating ourselves up for where we may not be, how do move from adequate back into extraordinary?

Below are some quick tips for getting back to happy.

1)   Write yourself a short note to yourself about your accomplishments. Since we naturally tend to focus on what isn’t working, by putting our attention to what is, we re-direct the universe’s energy towards what we want more of, versus what we don’t have.  Self-acknowledgement may not come easily, so this is a great opportunity to practice.

2)   Bless your mess. Remind yourself that everything in life up until this point has brought you here. While it has not always ended up the way you’ve have liked it to, you are still here. Instead of judging your mess, think of a gift that it has brought you. For me, my mother’s death is reminding me this week to take bigger risks and live life more fully. 

3)   Shake your bootee! Go out and exercise! Take a walk, dance class, etc. Moving your body literally helps to clear the chi and emotional energy that is stored. Last week, I blogged about the mixed emotions my birthday week  brought up and committed to walking 5x a day. While I am still missing my mom, exercising definitely lifts my spirit.

4)   This one complements #3. Dance in your living room. You might be laughing at me with this one, but truly, it works wonders! Do you have a favorite song that makes you grin from ear to ear? Would love to do the “Material Girl” jiggle but feel embarrassed? Close those curtains and crank up the tunes for just one song.

Last but not least, try happy on for a few minutes. Even if you are at the end of this entry and feeling funky—close your eyes and go inside. Think of one happy moment, think of what happy feels like for you. Take 3 deep breaths thinking about happy. You can always change your mind later.

I would love to hear what brings you back to happy. Feel free to leave a comment below. Or sign up for our newsletter to receive more tips on getting back to happy. 

In the car today, I heard on NPR an article on happiness, and if it was possible to create or increase happiness. NPR spoke of the national quota of happiness.  The Royal Government of Bhutan created this index to measure these key areas; psychological wellbeing, health, time use, education, culture, good governance, ecology, community vitality and living standards.  And once you met your basic needs, could material abundance enhance your happiness quota?

My mind wandered over to the topic of grief and loss + happiness.

Can both co-exist gracefully?  Or is it black/white, a flip flop, rollercoasting of emotions?

 I ask myself this as April historically represents both joy and sadness for me.

In less than 2 weeks, will be my birthday. However for the past 5 years,I have found the days around my birthday to be melancholy.

The week of my birthday, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter (happy day) but 3 days later, I received the call that my mother had committed suicide (a dark dark day).

And each subsequent year, either my sister or I have flown home to be with our 85 year old father to bring comfort during a dark time for him.

For the past 2 years, I decided to stay put, and direct some of this loving back to me, as my emotional piggy bank was running on empty.

Yet, to be really honest, I haven’t been open to really celebrating the day I came into this world as I would like to.  Last year, I had a heartfelt gathering at the home with a few friends. Kayman had a blast making “goody bags” filled with candy and party hats for our friends.

This year, Michael, (my husband) has been asking what I would like to do for my birthday,  would I like to go away for the weekend, what can he get me?

In my head swirls the words, birthday, suicide, pregnancy, and this year more than before, the “C” word as we add the 25^th anniversary of being a cancer survivor to the mix. Yikes, just writing that feels heavy.

And at the same time, Palm Spring getaway, romantic dinner out, massage… bubbles up to the surface as well. What will win?

So when I heard the segment today, I asked myself how I felt about this year, and if it is possible to increase my “happiness” rating in the next week or two. If so, what could I do?

Here are some things that I came up with:

-Find a new way to honor the death of my mom in a more celebratory way

-Increase my exercise to 5x a week to literally feel better physically

-Read something for fun, and not for work. Currently am working through the trilogy 50 Shades of Grey.

-Do one little thing from my list of things that makes me smile

And so begins my own little survey of grief vs. happiness for the next 2 weeks…I will continue to blog every few days and share the results. What has been your experience?

Last week, I spoke on a best practices panel at the ICCFA / PLPA conference. Standing behind the podium, I silently centered myself and asked for spirit’s assistance. I had butterflies in my stomach for the first few minutes, then as I spoke about the grief coaching, the passion, intensity I feel about something so dear to my heart poured through me. As I looked out into the audience, I saw people taking notes and nodding to one another. Information being received.  Changing the way we help people grieving from pet loss, one powerpoint at a time! I felt really good about the service I provided. Fast forward to a week later, I was on the phone with a colleague who was there at my talk. I asked if he had any specific feedback for me- the only comment he had to add besides it being informative and a great presentation was to share more about my experience and what brought me here.

My story.

Last night, I went to a networking event and met a group of amazing women. I heard from several who shared their story and was inspired by their ability to weave stories from their past into who they are today. When it came time to introduce myself and the work I do, I gave my elevator pitch but did not really go into why I am a grief and loss coach.  At the end of the event, I walked out to the car with one of the attendees and shared a bit about the cancer.  When I got home, I realized I was finally ready to tell my story. I’ve been described many times  as resillient. My husband Michael tells me I am amazing. I tell myself he is biased. Last night, coming home, my heart blew wide open.

Today, I feel vulnerable. I thought about my mom today, as a friend is home with her newborn and her family.
I never had that with Kayman. My mother committed suicide the week I found out I was pregnant. Whoa, that was a loaded sentence. How do you share something like that at a networking event without it sounding like a loaded gun?
So is being told I was never going to be able to have children because of the cancer.  After being told I should have saved my eggs. After reading I had 15% chance of survival from ewings sarcoma. After After being left by my college boyfriend because I was bald and sick. The tape keeps rewinding—while I am not the sum of these events, I AM.  

Despite all of the losses I’ve had in my life, I am still the optimist, the cup half full, to see that pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, and a new door opens. 

So if you are reading this and experiencing a loss, reach out to someone and share your story. See if you can separate the pain from the suffering. On the days I have a really bad migraine, or when I can’t lift Kayman with one arm, I allow myself to have a moment as I am human and then I let the thoughts float through. I can see the gift in the cancer. What is the gift in the losses you may have experienced? 

In recent days where much of our news centers around unemployment, slumping housing market, what we are lacking—life changing news during uncertain economic times can alter our day at a moment’s notice. “Oh no, my 401k just took another hit”, “no one is spending right now”, “they’ve just announced another round of layoffs, what if I am next?”
This emotional rollercoaster we put ourselves on can become paralyzing. We can also come to accept we have another choice.
 
Happiness. We can choose this at any time. Is it really possible?
Even if you find yourself out of work, out of love, single again, down on your luck, just what if for a bit, we take life on a moment-to-moment basis, without future thinking, worrying and just be in the now.

Today, I decided to take myself up on my offer. After a few days of back and forths with one counter offer after another on the house, all the while recovering from the flu, I was  d-o-n-e. My brain had melted and all I wanted was calgon to take me away.
My meditation high from this morning was gone by 10am, replaced by buckets of tears. In between skyping with my coach and a supportive chat with my sister-in-law, I felt a bit better, having cried through the mascara and the eyeliner by now. A few coaching calls were waiting so I mustered up my inner counselor for some dialogue. I told myself now was a time as good as any. I decided I could be miserable for the rest of the day or make the decision to choose joy. Be happy. Or at least try to. 2 calls, one
Luxepets order to the post office later, I channeled my inner mom and went to pick Kayman up from school. Having just put her to bed now 3 hours later,  I must admit I’ve waffled a bit here and there this afternoon, but for most part, it worked. Be happy. It was that simple.  
 
Today’s inspired action:
For the next few moments, go within and make a decision to be happy.
Lean into what happy feels like, look like, for you.
You can always change your mind later.